So if you look down 2 blog posts you will see a post around the subject of prayer. And if you look at the date you will see it's a little over a year ago. And the whole reason I wrote that blog is because my prayer life sucked. It sucked going into The Gauntlet '06, was awesome there, and sucked coming out of it. My prayer life sucked going into The Gauntlet '07, was awesome there, and sucked coming out of it even though I promised myself to not make the same mistake I did the previous year. Yet I made it. And I'm telling you. Why?
What do I see prayer as? Talk. I see it as you talking to God. It's kind of like taking time out of your day to talk to your mom or dad. They pay for your stuff and raised you, so why should you feel the need to ignore them? Same with God except for He gave His son. Bigger deal. But more forgiveness believe-it-or-not.
And I'm typing this, and I realize that I know what I do wrong and I know why I shouldn't. But what I'm trying to figure out is why I don't listen to myself. How I can know what I do wrong but still never do anything about it. I read religious book after religious book. And chances are they all have something to do with prayer in them, and I read them and know that the majority of them are right. And I try to help myself but I can't get it. I can't get it around my egotistical head that this show is not THAT important or my extra 10 minutes of sleep is something I need MORE than a conversation with God.
And I sit here, almost ashamed of what I've become. Of how it seems like I have an awesome relationship with God to people who see me at Fuse or Sunday mornings because I know all the words to the songs, or raise my hands, or act in front of kids teaching them about Jesus. And I'm about to lead a small group also and to do that I need to start reading the Bible more myself, but that's a different post. But how I don't live up to any of it when I'm alone.
I can talk all day of how God wants them to become and not read the Bible once. I can just reciprocate words and phrases that I've already heard and they sound good. So if I know all this and know how to live my life the way God wants me to, why pray or read? Go down the couple posts and read that one, read the third and fourth paragraph.
That's why. And that's something I still can't get a handle on. I personally think it's an ego problem. Because I like sleep. And when I do pray at night or early in the morning, 99% of the time I've yawned in the middle of them. I took it as a sign. A very idiotic thing of me to do but it's me. So I did it. Quiet time takes minutes out of my day that I could use checking Facebook or sleeping. And obviously those things are more important to me than praying or reading the Bible.
I've come up to NC to spend some time with my dad and am staying for almost 2 full weeks. Did I bring a Bible? No. But I did bring a book by Chuck Palahniuk, the author of Fight Club. It's called 'Choke' and it's about this guy who chokes on pieces of food in high class restaurants and gets the people who saved him to send him money. That's how he gets his money. So much better than the Bible I guess. I chose that over It anyway.
I choose things that appeal more to my physical senses rather than my spiritual ones. Why is that? I think it's because I've spent my time honing my physical onces all my life. And the spiritual ones have always taken a back seat.
I'm not smart. I can't get myself wrapped around myself. I think too highly of myself to put faith in God. I'm dumb.
God is big. God is forever lasting. And I know that. Why can't I do anything?
No clue. I'm going to reflect. Thanks for listening blogspot.
P.S. This blog from time-to-time will have my thoughts on it talking to other people, or my thoughts on it talking to myself about how stupid I am. Also it will include prayers. I think I'm going to start that. Yeah. I don't know how frequent it will be. But it will kind of be like a public accountability to whoever reads it. If I haven't typed a prayer in a while that means I haven't prayed. So call me out.
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